Spiritual Gaslighting Disguised as Support; Don’t Do It. Do This Instead!

The Orange Blosssom Special Painting by Addie Hirschten

Recently, I was sharing with someone about an extremely difficult, stressful, and heartbreaking situation that was happening with my special needs stepdaughter. The person I was talking to, a beautiful human being, said to me in response, something to the effect of “Well, as you know, none of this matters or really exists. We are all light and love.” I couldn’t believe the lack of empathy in this statement! I was so angry and wanted to give this person a direct “Fuck You!” But, it would not have been kind or respectful, so I didn’t. Instead, I took some deep breaths, regulated myself, and held space for this well-meaning spiritual person, knowing they were trying to help with their words and had no idea that they were being so insensitive, emotionally unsafe, and potentially harmful to me. But, I was able to recognize it for what it was; spiritual gaslighting.

At that moment, instead of getting what I needed, which was empathy and compassion, I became the space holder of those things for someone else. Not only did I not meet my needs in this situation, but it required more of me to understand them and where they were coming from, which felt terrible, and I immediately regretted saying anything in the first place. It was certainly disappointing, and I had expected more from this person.

This situation is an example of how people can use their spiritual beliefs in incredibly toxic ways. Essentially, what this person did with their words was to tell me that what I was feeling in this situation wasn’t valid or even real. That is Gaslighting. Don’t do it! It is not how to support a person going through a hard time. How to support a person going through something difficult or traumatic is through listening, empathizing, validating, and normalizing. This is a lot of what counselors offer people, and it can be really healing Anyone can learn how to do it. Here’s How:

Step 1: Listen. Don’t try and fix it or make it better for that person. Be willing to sit in your discomfort of holding space for something hard.

Step 2. Express Empathy and Validate. Say something like, “I am so sorry you are going through this. That sounds incredibly difficult.”

Step 3. Normalize. Say something like, “I think anyone in your situation would be feeling the same way.”

Be supportive of people you care about by practicing these steps. And, if you are the unfortunate recipient of gaslighting, don’t make it second-guess yourself. See it for what it is, which is about that other person and not you. Find someone else to talk to!