Therapy Horror Stories: Scary, but True. Here is What We Need to Do.
Picture of Dorian Gray Painting by Addie Hirschten
“People will always remember how you made them feel.” ~Brene Brown
Most people take the courageous step of seeking out a therapist or counselor because they want to feel seen, heard, understood, and helped. Sadly, sometimes people leave sessions with their mental health professional feeling misunderstood, judged, and not seen or heard.
By the time people come to me, they often have had experiences with other counselors. Most have had good experiences and are looking for something more. But, sadly, some people have had some pretty terrible experiences with people they trusted to help them. The horror stories that I hear from clients about their experiences with mental health professionals is disheartening, but true, and I hear these stories more often than I’d like to.
The following is a compilation of the Top 5 horror stories I have heard from my clients about their prior experiences with a mental health facilitator. I even have one of my own from years ago that made it into the list, and it’s a pretty scary one! (I use the word therapist as an encompassing word for mental health professional.)
Top 5 Therapy Horror Stories!
“My therapist got angry with me.” The therapist gets personally triggered by the client and is unable to regulate themselves emotionally and lashes out at the client.
“Our therapist took sides.” In the realm of couples counseling, the therapist takes one side over the other, demonizing the other partner. The therapist and one partner triangulate or “gang up” against the other.
“My therapist gave me bad advice.” Rather than guiding someone to discover their own answers, a therapist tells someone what to do, sometimes offering appalling advice. I personally had an experience with this many years ago when a therapist recommended that I physically hit my then (now ex) husband as a way to get out my rage. She told me that “he could take it.” She gave me this advice without having met him or facilitating any agreement between us. Let’s just say this advice-taking did not end well for anyone.
“My therapist judged me and was quick to pathologize and medicate me.” The mental health professional didn’t take time to truly listen to the client, at times typing or writing notes during the session, and was quick to diagnose, offer medication, and not offer any other solutions.
“My therapist told me I want her/him to fix me, but I just wanted to be helped.” The therapist puts the responsibility on and blames the client for the session not being productive.
If you have your own horror story with a mental health professional, I am so sorry. That is not the way it should be. But please, don’t give up. There are good therapists out there, and I promise you, you can find one that is a good fit for you!
Most people who go into the mental health profession have a genuine desire to help people. There are many good therapists and counselors out there. I have been in therapy and counseling for most of my adult life and have encountered some brilliant and skilled counselors who have helped me tremendously over the years. But given how many horror stories I have heard, I believe our society has some work to do regarding how traditional counselors and therapists are being trained. What I see that is missing in their training is The Ability to Hold a Safe Space of Presence and Acceptance. All facilitators should know how to do this.
To hold a safe space as a therapist, counselor, or any facilitator of healing, a person must be able to have the following skills, which can be learned!
Be Regulated. This is the absolute number one must-do as a facilitator. It is a scientific fact that our nervous systems talk with each other. When one person is regulated, it invites regulation in the other. The opposite is also true. When a person is dysregulated, it encourages dysregulation in the other. A facilitator has to be able to hold their own regulation in the space of a client’s dysregulation.
Be Present. Make eye contact. Truly connect, listen and be curious about the person in front of you.
Be Empathetic, Compassionate and Accepting. Do not judge, blame, or criticize.
Practice Active Listening. Reflect to them what they are saying so they will feel seen, heard, and understood.
Pause, Regulate, and Integrate. Many therapists and counselors work on the cognitive level and help people make connections but miss the opportunity to help someone heal when the moment arises. Asking a client to pause, take a deep breath, and notice what is present is the most basic way to help a person integrate and embody the connections that are being made.
If you’re a professional, following these steps can turn a client’s horror story into a healing story in their hero or heroine’s journey! If you are seeking help from a professional, you should expect to be treated with this kind of care and respect. Expect help that is helpful:)